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It never entered my mind - Samantha [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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It never entered my mind [Jul. 26th, 2010|01:12 am]
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[music |home]

I wonder how long it was a game? I wonder when did the ratio of it being real to being a game start, and when did it start favoring it just being a game? It was recently brought to my attention that someone might have used my feelings to gain control over me, to make themselves feel better when they wanted a pick me up, and was very much conscience of all of it. It never entered my mind that this was the case. I just thought said person didn't think. I knew I cared more, but to think that the other person cared so little is among other things pissing me off. How does it work? I was suppose to be the person's best friend, so how do you knowingly do that, and not feel like a piece of shit? Even when I wasn't their best friend anymore, they knew I still cared.I've seen this person treat other people like this, but for some stupid reason I didn't think they would do it to me. The best anyone can hope for when a relationship ends is, that you can both walk away not feeling like a joke. You think that you both loved each other, and for whatever the reasons it didn't work out. Now, I feel like a joke. Now, I don't know what was done for control, what was done to hurt me, and what was done out of being bored. The truth is even if I asked, I wouldn't know. They wouldn't tell me the truth. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they don't know the truth. Yet, I still can't seem to just not care. I want indifference, and I am not there yet. However, I am going through the anger phase. I am so sick of feeling like shit over this person. I know I fucked up, and I know I wasn't a better friend. Its done, and I need to just not care anymore. Why can't I be one of those people who doesn't realize things, who just lies to herself, and moves on? As to not devote yet another journal to this topic, I am going to talk about something else. Its been a really hot summer this year. I preferred last summers heat. I got a couple more trips this summer coming up, that I am looking forward to. Getting closer to being so fed up with not having a car, that I might actually get my license. I got to spend a lot of time with Will, my friends, my brother, and that's always good. Not looking forward to stats and Economics this fall, but I won't worry till I am actually there. Alright the dog is getting on my nerves, so I am going to bed.~