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Samantha

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Can't even begin to describe this... [Mar. 28th, 2010|04:54 am]
Samantha
[mood |sadsad]

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
I promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep; there's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried,
Day and night, earth and sky,
Somehow I just don't believe it

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same

Heard this on the radio tonight. It kind of touched something.~
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Turned out good [Mar. 1st, 2010|12:03 am]
Samantha
[Current Location |home]
[mood |calmcalm]

Everyone made it to my birthday thing. The whole weekend ended up being a lot of fun. Went to outback Saturday with some awesome people. The food there was outstanding. I got a lot of home improvement things. The best gift was the computer chair.(oh so comfy) I am starting to love my Anatomy teacher. He gives extra credit.(God bless him) Started doing some research on cognitive behavioral therapy. Also, waiting on someone to get back to me on volunteer work. Hopefully someone will soon.(*knock on wood*) I've been incredibly angry lately. Good thing I have a gym membership to get out all the aggression. My poor walls wouldn't be able to take it. Ever want to scream on the top your lungs, but when it came time do so nothing would/could come out? That is the feeling I've been having, and it sucks. It's like I have suddenly gone mute. Well I am off to bed.~
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I am Twenty Five... [Feb. 25th, 2010|02:54 am]
Samantha
[mood |sicksick]

It is officially my birthday. Not only am I sick, but there is a freaking blizzard outside. Chances of my friends making it to my place now are slim to none. Happy Freaking Birthday To Me!
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The five steps of grieving [Feb. 23rd, 2010|01:03 am]
Samantha
[Current Location |home]
[mood |depresseddepressed]

It feels like I have lost something, and am going through the stages of grief. My heart literally feels like it's breaking. I feel so incomplete, so open, and so freaking deficient. It's like I am about to loose a limb or something. I can't seem to get rid of this awful feeling inside of me. This is getting old, and I am tired. My birthday is in three days, and I have no happy feelings towards it. Someone please grab a gun and shoot me right between the eyes.~
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Never learned to let go... [Feb. 18th, 2010|01:01 am]
Samantha
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |playlist]

They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. Okay, so I have several. I guess one of the bigger ones is my inability to let go. My entire life I have never been able to let go. At least I have never willing been able to. I have always searched for stability, and if I think I have it; then I am usually unwilling to give it up. It doesn't matter if it's a very unhealthy form of stability. I still cant let go of it. The longer the stability, the harder it is for me. Even if it's something more abstract; than direct. Even if its just wanting something to change, because I am drowning the way things are. It's still seems impossible for me. For some reason I just can't find the words. "I failed, we failed, this isn't working, things need to change"...etc They all sound right in my head, but some how the translation in person always gets so messed up. I know I am coward and selfish when it comes to this. I could blame it on the way I was raised, but that gets old fast; and doesn't matter at my age. This is just something I have never liked about myself. I always stay and wait for the other person to take control. For the other person to tell me it's over, or they need things to change. Even if I feel the same way. Even if I am not entirely in the wrong. I still can't just say it. I think I have to really come to terms with the fact, that I can't hold on to someone. Things happen on both sides, and people move on. It's just to hard to face it sometimes. I know that I can't keep fighting to keep someone, who clearly wants to go. However, even though I know it, I seem to anyway.


Anyway, onto something not so complicated. I froze my ass off today. The bus schedule changed, and I was unaware. In good news, I think I am making friends this semester. There are two people I talk to on a regular basis. It's been a bit since I've made new friends. I am learning about human development from ages 0-2,and each stage makes me think of Jacob. Also, I am really enjoying my Social Service class this semester. It is a lot more in-depth, than last semester. My birthday is next Friday. I can't believe I will be twenty five. I am not where I thought I would be at this age. However, I am okay with that for the most part. I seem to have direction now. Having direction took a really long time. Now, its getting some where with this direction I have.~
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No idea [Feb. 8th, 2010|02:19 am]
Samantha
[Current Location |home]
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |mix]

There is a part in Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the last episode of season two; that just keeps playing in my head.(Oh yes I am going Buffy on your asses, and I am not sorry) The scene is this, Angel and Buffy are fighting to the death. He's taken her weapon and is about to do her in. As he is about to do this he says, "So that's it take away all your friends, and your family; and what are you left with?" She responds with "Me." She then takes his weapon and hits him in the head with it. They continue fighting till the last scene. My point isn't how much of a dork I am; which I am assuming by quoting that is now apparent. My point is her saying "Me". I want to be okay with just having me at the end of the day. I thought I was, but now I don't think I am. Today, would have been my Mother's 51st birthday. I took the day off from the world, and it wasn't so bad. Of course, one always has to return the world. I keep feeling like no matter what I do, or who I do it with; that I will end up a nothing, and will end up alone. Sometimes, I can distract myself from these feelings, but it seems something always brings them back. There is a strength in me, that wasn't there before. I feel it growing, and I love it. It makes me stand up, be accounted for, and not hide. I guess old feelings die hard. I feel as though this journal entry makes little sense.~
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I wonder what is real anymore... [Jan. 29th, 2010|01:25 pm]
Samantha
[mood |Empty]
[music |Michelle Branch]

Of all the things i've believed in,
I just want to get it over with,
Tears form behind my eyes,
But i do not cry,
Counting the days that pass me by.

I've been searchin' deep down in my soul,
Words that i'm hearin' are starting to get old,
It feels like i'm starting all over again,
The last three years were just pretend,
And i say-

*goodbye to you,
Goodbye to everything i thought i knew,
You were the one i loved,
The one thing that i tried to hold on to.

I still get lost in your eyes,
And it seems that i can't live a day without you,
Closing my eyes,
And you chase my thoughts away,
To a place where i am blinded by the light,
But it's not right.

*goodbye to you,
Goodbye to everything i thought i knew,
You were the one i loved,
The one thing that i tried to hold on to.

Hold on to...
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time,

I want what's yours and i want what's mine,
I want you,
And i'm not giving in this time.

*goodbye to you,
Goodbye to everything i thought i knew,
You were the one i loved,
The one thing that i tried to hold on to-
Goodbye to you,
Goodbye to everything i thought i knew,
You were the one i loved,
The one thing that i tried to hold on to.

Oh, oh woah,
And when the stars fall i will lie awake,
You're my shooting star.

I like everything about this song, but that last line~
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Truth? [Jan. 14th, 2010|01:24 am]
Samantha
[Current Location |home]
[mood |boredbored]
[music |playlist]

If I gave you the truth, would it keep you alive?
Though I'm closer to wrong
I'm no further from right
And now I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me
Convinced on the inside, you're so much more than me, yeah
No there's nothing you say that can salvage the lie
But I'm trying to keep my intentions disguised
And now I'm deprived of my conscience and something's got to give
Deprived of my conscience
This all belongs to me, yeah

I'm beaten down again, I belong to them
Beaten down again, I've failed you
I'm weaker now my friend, I belong to them
Beaten down again, I've failed you

The deception you show is your own parasite
Just a word of advice you can heed if you like
And now I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me
Convincd on the inside you're so much more than me, yeah
I'm beaten down

I keep having these dreams, and in these dreams I am always running away from something. In each dream it starts out the same. I am fighting to live, but by the end I am ready to die. I had this one dream where it was the end of the world. There was a couple of sequences in the dream. Until the last one, I was fighting. In the last sequence I was in New Orleans, and there was this big tidal wave above me. At first I just laid there, ready for it to take me in. At the last minute I got scared, and decided to run from it. However, since everything was sinking, and wet; I couldn't get away. Everything I touched crumbled in my hands and I sank back down. I finally gave in, and laid back down. The thing was when the tidal wave crashed; the water surrounded me. The water didn't go over me, and it didn't take me in. The wave took everything else, and I was left floating. Then, there was a voice saying "It wont all hit at once." I woke up after not knowing what to think. I get what the dream was trying to say, or at least I think I get it. It's just I keep having these dreams. Sometimes I am not even in the dream, rather I am just observing. Regardless, it's making sleeping a lot harder then before. In other news I got to see my grandfather the other day, and it was a really nice lunch. On the way to the bank I was thinking how far him and I have come. I am grateful that we have a good relationship. In a couple of days I go back to school. I am looking forward to classes starting up again. They give me something else to focus on. To show how much of a dork I am, LOGO added Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Undressed; which makes me oh so happy! No one is to judge me! Trying to think what else I can talk about in here. Zack is getting huge, and that makes me happy. Rachel moved back to Philly two months ago, and now I get to see her a lot more. I miss Robin and Lisa. I wish things could not be so complicated. I think that is it for now.~
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I can always seem to relate to this song... [Dec. 9th, 2009|03:03 am]
Samantha
[Current Location |home]
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |*How's it goning to be* Third eye blind]

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder what are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder is there anything
I'm going to miss
I wonder how it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there's no one there to talk to
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like the hammock by the
Doorway we spent time in swings empty
Don't see lightning like last fall
When it was always about to hit me
I wonder how's it going to be
When it goes down
How's it going to be
When you're not around
How's it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
And how's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion oblivion
How's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
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It's Amazing... [Dec. 5th, 2009|04:04 am]
Samantha
[Current Location |home]
[mood |blankblank]
[music |*crawling in the dark*]

Okay, I was really trying not to get caught up in the ramblings of a clearly lost soul, but you just had to piss me off. I wanted you to realize all the potential you had and for you not to throw it all away. I wanted us to be more then genetically linked; I wanted us to be friends. I am sorry that every time I called you at three am; that it was an obligation for you to be there. Had I known your "concern" was out of your own sense of obligation I would never had called you.For your own clarification and just so we are clear no matter how far you run everything and I do mean everything will still be right there with you. You wanted this, you wanted me gone, and now that I am gone your trying to what "explain"? Stop Steve! Stop trying to tell me or yourself why you left. I am telling you it doesn't matter. One thing your right about we can't help each other. So, go live your life, and I will live mine. Go do what you wanted, and let me go.

Anyway, I got a little over a week left until this semester is over, and I can not wait. Sadly, I have so much work to do in next week. I just keep telling myself, "one whole month off", and that seems to be getting me through it all. Thanksgiving was really good this year. I got to eat a lot of good food, and be surrounded around by a lot of awesome people. Christmas presents have wiped me out, but the people are worth it.In other news I am creating a nice sense of numbness to the world. I think its true; that there is only so much disappointment one person can take, before they just stop being surprised or all that hurt by it.~
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