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Samantha

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Twenty Six... [Feb. 27th, 2011|02:43 am]
Samantha
[Current Location |Home]
[mood |amusedamused]
[music |Boyz to Men]

I had a lovely birthday. Got a text from my brother first thing.(Which was very nice) I got some of the stuff I ordered online.My dad showed up with a Little Mermaid balloon, and then took Will and I to lunch, at Friday's. It had been awhile since I ate there. The food is just as good as I remember. Will and my dad got the staff to sing me happy birthday.After lunch my dad bought me my birthday present, and before dropping me off, gave me a driving lesson. Will got here first, and put up a crazy amount of decorations, including a pinata. Everyone for the most part showed up. I found out one of my friends is pregnant, and am so happy for them. It was a very Super Mario brother's themed birthday. Will got me a Mario charm bracelet. It has all the ups.(Mushroom,one up, star, fire power, and the leaf) I love it so much. He also got me the Mario kart comforter for my bed. Rachael got me a Mario throw. Robin and Lisa got me Mario pez dispenser, and one of the things my dad got me was the ghost from Mario castle winter hat. I think people are catching on...lol. Stoner and Charlie got me awesome cooking stuff. I am really excited about the waffle maker. It was a special task trying to sync all the Wii controllers, but fun nevertheless. There was also an abundance of cup cakes.(which were yummy.) Nikki supplied the beer, or rather my peach twisted tea.(Awesome) I had a cake this year, thanks to my baby. It was a very nice birthday. I can't believe I am twenty six. Every year on my birthday I always get sad, because I reflect on my life, and where I am. I am usually not happy with my current spot in life. However, this year was different. I was content as far as how my life is going. Its no where near perfect, but I am not disappointed with it. It was a nice change. It was also nice to finally be able to say,"I turned 26 on the 26th." Corny I know, but that's me. As I told my father in hot topic, "I am a kid at heart, but not a child." So yes I have a Mario kart comforter on bed, but that doesn't mean I am a child...lol Seriously,it was a good day. I'll take it, and leave it at that.~
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How did I get here? [Jan. 3rd, 2011|04:17 am]
Samantha
[Current Location |Home]
[mood |complacentcomplacent]
[music |Paramore]

Well, the year ended better than it started. I'll never understand for sure why things had to go down the way they did, but I don't regret it. I am with someone who loves me as much as I love him. Instead of being the one who cared more. I am not putting myself through hell, over someone who could care less anymore. I am starting to be able to be whole without the other person. I can see now that it wasn't just me. Also, I now realize that I will never really know if I had done things differently if that would have made a difference. It could have made it end earlier then it did. Knowing that eases the pain, for some reason. I know that the relationship with my brother is stronger than either one of us realized. My father continuing his relationship with my stepmother, will one day be the end of ours. I know that by knowing that, it still wont help ease the pain, when it happens. The best thing I have realized is, I have a man who would do anything for me, and I him, as well as friends that are my heart. I am excited for the up coming months. (knock on wood) I will be finishing up at Bucks, moving in with Will, and going somewhere awesome as a graduation present from my grandfather.For the first time in a long time,I feel good. I feel like I have accomplished some very important things, and that I will continue to do so. I still feel the sadness at times. I wonder if it will ever really go away, but I know that it doesn't define me. My New Year's resolution is, to start facing some more fears.~
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Crapy, really crapy pathetic attemps at poetry [Sep. 30th, 2010|04:24 pm]
Samantha
[Current Location |school]
[mood |confusedconfused]

Hate it when I don't recognize you
hate it more when I do
Hate that your words still guide me
Hate that they will fade
hate how easy it was for you to let go
hate it more how hard it is for me to~


Your fading faster now
It doesn't feel the same
Only in my dreams is there a place for us
Never thought you'd become the past
Seems no matter how hard I try, you still fall behind
Life wont stand still
What was once the only way for me, will soon be yet another failed attempt
I loved you with all that I had
I am sorry it wasn't enough
Goodbye~
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Stuck [Sep. 13th, 2010|01:05 am]
Samantha
[Current Location |home]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |nothing I have a huge headache]

Well, summer is officially over. It wasn't a bad summer. Minus the whole getting hit by a car at the start of it. Made it to the shore, got to go to Robin and Lisa's annual Hershey park thing, a couple of bbq's, ate at the melting pot, fun Phillies game, went up to the mountains, road trip to Kansas, and a lot of other awesome stuff. Now, I am back into full time mode at school. Taking three math related courses, and one psych course. Trying to get my butt to go get my license by spring. Things are good for the most part. However, there are some set backs in my life. One I am finding myself getting scared to cross the street. When I hear a car or see it coming towards me I freeze up. I thought it would go away, but its not. I continue to make sure I don't avoid this fear, because I do not want it having any sort of control. Set back two, after six months I find myself still holding on. I thought I would be a lot further along than I am. Like everything I am moving on very slowly. Its sad when many people tell me I am better off, and a part of me still wants to try again. I couldn't even say why I do at this point. In addition, I know if the unlikely hood of it working even if there was a mutual concern to try again. Stupid mind doesn't let anything go lightly. It just re-visits everything over and over again. Good thing I have not claimed to be sane in a long time. Its just I miss a certain sense of security I once felt. Now, all I feel is stuck. I am moving on, but I am carrying additional weight. I know I need to let it go, but once I do its gone forever; and I guess I am not ready for that. I feel I have rambled on long enough for now. In other strange news I find myself oddly liking my stat class, and my econ class. Who would of guessed I would ever like two courses based on numbers. I think I just need to focus on school, friends, and select family members. That might help me not to think of this particular subject so often.~
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It never entered my mind [Jul. 26th, 2010|01:12 am]
Samantha
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[music |home]

I wonder how long it was a game? I wonder when did the ratio of it being real to being a game start, and when did it start favoring it just being a game? It was recently brought to my attention that someone might have used my feelings to gain control over me, to make themselves feel better when they wanted a pick me up, and was very much conscience of all of it. It never entered my mind that this was the case. I just thought said person didn't think. I knew I cared more, but to think that the other person cared so little is among other things pissing me off. How does it work? I was suppose to be the person's best friend, so how do you knowingly do that, and not feel like a piece of shit? Even when I wasn't their best friend anymore, they knew I still cared.I've seen this person treat other people like this, but for some stupid reason I didn't think they would do it to me. The best anyone can hope for when a relationship ends is, that you can both walk away not feeling like a joke. You think that you both loved each other, and for whatever the reasons it didn't work out. Now, I feel like a joke. Now, I don't know what was done for control, what was done to hurt me, and what was done out of being bored. The truth is even if I asked, I wouldn't know. They wouldn't tell me the truth. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they don't know the truth. Yet, I still can't seem to just not care. I want indifference, and I am not there yet. However, I am going through the anger phase. I am so sick of feeling like shit over this person. I know I fucked up, and I know I wasn't a better friend. Its done, and I need to just not care anymore. Why can't I be one of those people who doesn't realize things, who just lies to herself, and moves on? As to not devote yet another journal to this topic, I am going to talk about something else. Its been a really hot summer this year. I preferred last summers heat. I got a couple more trips this summer coming up, that I am looking forward to. Getting closer to being so fed up with not having a car, that I might actually get my license. I got to spend a lot of time with Will, my friends, my brother, and that's always good. Not looking forward to stats and Economics this fall, but I won't worry till I am actually there. Alright the dog is getting on my nerves, so I am going to bed.~
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Doesn't matter what I know [Jul. 15th, 2010|02:19 am]
Samantha
[Current Location |home]
[mood |blankblank]
[music |itunes]

I am so very tired. Its been months of this pain, that wont go away. No matter how many times I go over it, I can't seem to get past it. Every time I think I am moving forward something(me) pulls me back. I remember it all, and I have no idea what to do with any of it. No matter how many times I tell myself its over, no one else cares but you, I still can't seem to accept it. I don't understand why I am holding on. I know there is nothing there anymore. I know it would take a miracle for there to ever be a chance there. It makes no sense why it still hurts so damn much. What adds insult to injury is I know I am alone in the pain, the other party has moved on. I wish I was doing the same. I try and I get so far, but then I find songs on my I-tunes that remind me of three years ago. When I use to here these songs day after day, and how this one song would get stuck in my head. A smart person would delete these songs, but as sad as they make me, I like the memory. Sick doesn't begin to express me. I think my problem is I seem to want two different things at the same time. I want to move on, but yet I want it back at the same time. I know you cant move on, until you let go of what you are moving on from. So in other words I am screwed for now.(What else is new) A smaller thing that is sadly bothering me is, I can't remember the name of the one song. All the songs are under P. Oh well, moving on to another topic. I started my superheroes class, and its going well. I got to take my dad to a Phillies game for fathers day. Also, got to see Robin and Lisa for their anniversary. Been having more anxiety than normal. I keep waking up in panic, and not remembering the dream. Although, the ones I do remember suck. I keep having ones were a tidal wave takes me in, and I can feel myself drowning. In August I am taking a road trip to Kansas with my Dad, and brother. I think the song title had something to do with the word Jacket?...that's it for now.~
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Something inside... [Jun. 12th, 2010|07:10 pm]
Samantha
[Current Location |home]
[mood |confusedconfused]
[music |mix]

For all intensive purposes I should be content, or dare I say happy. I hate when I can't figure out what's wrong. I have no idea why I keep getting panic attacks,why I keep getting sick, why I can't eat, or why my sleeping pattern is even worse. For awhile I thought it was getting hit by the car, and being incredibly uncomfortable in the cast. Now, it's been three weeks, and the cast is off. I also thought it might be because I am incredibly angry, hurt, sad,confused, and apathetic at what went down/ is still going some what going down with someone I use to be close with. I know that all that is most likely part of it, but its not all of it. It's just the part I can actually identify. It just seriously ticks me off, because I feel like I am bitching about nothing. For all I am aware of it is mainly over nothing. Apparently I am just not allowed to have too much free time, or I go more insane. I hate the feeling that its simply me. I hate feeling like no matter what there will always be a part inside that is either damaged, or missing. Sometimes I don't think I need this part, but then I feel like this. Jesus Christ! Why can't I ever just be? Why can't I seem to allow myself to just be content, or dare I say happy? For the most part I am, but there is just always this tug every now and again that reminds me. Anyway, this weekend didn't really turn out the way I had planned. Yesterday, people where suppose to come over and go swimming. Instead I got into a fight, and cried my eyes out. However, the night was a lot of fun. Rachel came over, and once Will got there we went to Target. They got bathing suits, so now they can swim with me. Later we went to Tako.(Which is always awesome) The night ended at Nikki's. I love seeing Jacob. Today's plans got shot down as well. I was really looking forward to going to Pride, but Lisa got sick so what are you gonna do. Besides its been raining all day. Plan B got ruined as well.(I can't win) I tried to get people to come over and go swimming, but then it down poured. However, once again not all was lost. Stoner and Charlie came over. We went and got food, and then did some gambling. I swear I will get to go swimming this week! One huge plus is that the doctor cleared me for my foot. Which means no restrictions or physical therapy. I laughed when he told me not to run any marathons. If he only knew how slow I was before the broken bone. I think I am just going to wing everything this week, and hopefully I'll end up pleasantly surprised. Some good things going on are Steven and I are speaking again, and I am going with him and my dad on a cross country road trip at the end of August. Will and I celebrated our two year anniversary in style at the melting pot. It was incredibly expensive, but oh my god it was so worth it. He gave me a promise ring. Which I know sounds old school, but I love it.I got a new tattoo, its the super Mario star. (my nerdness knows no limits) Nikki and Phil will be celebrating their one year at the end of the month.( I love my old married couple) Rachel got a job that is paying her a lot of dough. See this is what I mean life is good, and yet I still have this nagging tug going on. I am excited for summer two to start. I am taking a course devoted to superheros. Come on, how awesome is that? Well, I feel this journal is long enough. I am going to wait for my baby to come over. Till my next bitch session.~
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My first broken bone.... [May. 19th, 2010|02:57 pm]
Samantha
[Current Location |home]
[mood |soresore]
[music |Tv]

Tuesday was the last day of the semester. I took my math final and went home. However, that was not the big event of the day. I decided to go to the gym later on that night. What's weird looking back is I had a really horrible feeling before I left, and as I was walking. I went to cross the street, and this douche bag was on the side street turning. I swear I had the right away, but whatever. He saw me, and kept going. I just remember seeing the car coming at me, and freezing. I don't know if I tried to get away or what. Next thing I know I am on the road grabbing my right leg. The guy eventually got out of his car and asked "Are you okay?". and I responded " No! I am not fucking okay!" He went off and called 911. In the meantime I was in the middle of Welsh. I kept trying to move to the side of the road, and was getting yelled at not to move. This bitch ass witness kept saying I wasn't paying attention, when what I said to her was I think he wasn't paying attention. There happened to be a cop in the area, and when he was told the story he said " It doesn't matter the pedestrian always has the right away." Eventually the ambulance guys came, and got me on a stretchier. A little bit after that the cop that was called got there, and took all the information down. What was great, was I didn't have anything on me. I had no phone, or ID. So, I used one of the ambulance guys phones. Of course no one picks up to a number they don't know, and I only know four numbers by heart anyway. (Thank you cell phones) They took me to Frankford/Torresdale. I will never go there again, if I have a choice. The person who checked me in, had more bedside manor than anyone else. I was in shock, shaking and crying. No one seemed to being paying attention to that, or anything else. I actually got asked if I was suicidal. I was like are you serious, and they said they had to ask everyone that. Then one of the nurses asked what hurt, I said my foot, and she throw an ice pack on me, and said put it on what hurts. Sorry, I don't feel like quoting right now, but whoever reads this will hopefully forgive. After I got X-rays, the lady who checked me in let me use the phone. I was able to get a hold of my dad. He got there before I got told what was going on. Three hours after getting there, they take me into the back. I got told I have a fractured bone in my foot. They didn't know how bad it was, and told me I would have to go see an orthopedic tomorrow. I got put in a splint, and given a prescription for perks and something else. Just to let everyone know, I suck on crutches. I am god awful on them. If you thought I was slow before, oh man you ain't seen nothing. I am most likely the worst person ever on them. On the way to my apartment I fell back on my foot twice. My dad stayed with me for a little bit, but he had taken some sleeping pills before all this happened and they were kicking in. Thankfully, though Will came over, and was my personal bitch all night. I didn't fall asleep for awhile. I was in such shock, and my body wouldn't stop shaking. Yesterday, my dad took me to the orthopedic. I do have a fractured bone. However, it isn't that bad. They put me in what is called a "Walking Cast". So, I am some what mobile. I only have to wear the thing for three weeks, and its blue. Considering what could have happened, I lucked out. I guess cause I was in such shock, the only thing I felt was the broken bone. Now, I feel my ribs, and everything else that hurts from the impact. I went twenty five years without one broken bone. I think that's a pretty long record. When I was trying to get a hold of people, I could only call the three out of the four numbers I know. I wanted to call the fourth number, but I knew not to. Now, I have to see if I can get use to this cast, at least well enough to go to summer 1. One cool thing about this, is I made my Dad and Will my bitches...lol However, I would give anything right now to take a shower. I just don't feel strong enough on the cast to do it yet. So, that is how I broke my first bone. I do nothing half ass.~
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Flight or Fight? [Apr. 27th, 2010|06:28 pm]
Samantha
[Current Location |library]
[mood |draineddrained]

My life seems to make less and less sense. I lost two very important people to me in the past year and half. One never gave a shit, and the other I drained. I don't feel so lost without the one who never cared. I miss him, but I realize now that I was nothing more than an obligation to him. The other one I miss terribly, and can't help connecting everything to her. It drives me nuts a lot of the time, how much connects to her. I find myself wondering whether to move on, or to give up. I hope to reconnect with her, but am scared that isn't what she wants. Old wounds seem to be resurfacing as well. The other day my father and I got into a fight. In which he admitted that I am not part of his family. I've known this for years, but for some reason it still hurt. By the end of next fall I "should" graduate from bucks, and start at Temple. I say should, because I am not doing great in two of my classes this semester. I find it hard to retain information, or to care. Seriously, it feels like the only thing keeping me going; is so I get my monthly check. I honestly care very little about anything these days. I find myself lost, and without any real purpose. It would be nice to get away, but I have no one to get away with. I am looking forward to a trip to Wildwood, that I am taking with some friends. However, no offense but its still Jersey. I wake up everyday with this sinking feeling. The best part of my day is when I get to daydream about the things I want. The saddest part of my day is, when I realize these things may never happen. The only outlet I have is the gym. I don't think I have gone so much to the gym, as I have in the past two months. Well, enough of this bitching. Back to doing more homework.~
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Another song... [Apr. 8th, 2010|02:38 am]
Samantha
[Current Location |home]
[mood |scaredscared]
[music |Rise Against]

"The Good Left Undone"

In fields where nothing grew but weeds,
I found a flower at my feet,
Bending there in my direction,
I wrapped a hand around its stem,
I pulled until the roots gave in,
Finding there what I'd been missing,

But I know...
So I tell myself, I tell myself it's wrong.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm.

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream of drowning in the ocean,
Longing for the shore where I can lay my head down,
I'll follow your voice,
All you have to do is shout it out.

Inside my hands these petals browned,
Dried up, fallen to the ground
But it was already too late now.
I pushed my fingers through the earth,
Returned this flower to the dirt,
So it could live. I walked away now.

But I know...
Not a day goes by that I don't feel this burn.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm.

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long,
When I do I dream of drowning in the ocean,
Longing for the shore where I can lay my head down,
I'll follow your voice,
All you have to do is shout it out.

All because of you...
All because of you...

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream of drowning in the ocean,
Longing for the shore where I can lay my head down,
Inside these arms of yours.

All because of you,
I believe in angels.
Not the kind with wings,
No, not the kind with halos,
The kind that bring you home,
When home becomes a strange place.
I'll follow your voice,
All you have to do is shout it out
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